Drummer Boy: Bat Out of Hell II: Back to Hell
Hello, folks! Lady Dysprosia back again. Long time no see, but this one’s kinda supersized. What can I say, it’s my thing. We’re going to a weird place with this one, but I promise, it’s chock-full of the elements that make up a good Drummer Boy story. So sit back and relax, then sit up straight and get nervous, and eventually you’ll reach some kind of positional equilibrium. Some scotch might help.
Jason opened his eyes.
* * *
Jason was hurrying across the quad, already late to class, when he ran into her.
He was already distracted, mentally going over the presentation he had to give, “Paganini and the Western Romantic Aesthetic”. He hated giving presentations, but it was five per cent of his final grade, so it had to be decent. Trying to ignore that aspect just made his anxiety worse.
Adding to that, he’d just caught sight of the gorgeous Indian gal he’d been flirting with the other night. Priya was hard to miss, with her silly cowboy hat and boobs so big they qualified for their own ZIP code. They’d been getting along great, but like a dummy Jason had forgotten to swap numbers. Reasoning that he was already late, he was seriously considering skipping class altogether. Make up the lost points on the final, and use this time to get to know Priya a little better.
So with all the internal turmoil going on, it wasn’t really surprising that Jason crashed right into her.
Jason said “oof!”, she said “uff!”, and they both went down together.
“Are you okay?” A woman’s voice. Concerned.
Jason must have blacked out for a second. Or two. He was flat on his back, and the back of his head hurt. And someone was smothering him with a pillow, one so big and heavy that he couldn’t even open his eyes. It took him a few more seconds to realize that he was being smothered by the woman’s boobs.
Jason opened his mouth to reply, but all that came out were a bunch of muffled noises.
“Oh, jeez, right,” the woman said, and lifted herself off of him.
Jason sucked in a welcome breath of air, and then watched the woman rise. She was tall, that was for sure, and from his prone perspective, it seemed like she was as high as the sky. Then he gasped again as he got a good look at her.
Eyes as gray as clouds at dawn. Straight blonde hair so pale it was nearly silver, down past her shoulders with bangs to her eyebrows. A face that was simultaneously too young to be wise, and too sexy to be innocent, yet somehow all of those things. White running shorts clung to her pleasantly round hips like an invitation to fantasize, and her legs were long, tanned and toned, furthering the fantasy.
He couldn’t see her arms, though, because oh my god those tits…
They were simply the largest breasts he’d ever seen. Not merely Christina Hendricks big, not just porn star big, not even Indian Girl whose name he’d completely forgotten big. These were breasts so big that they occupied nearly all of her torso, as well as the surrounding environs. So big that each one was easily than twice the size of her head. So astoundingly enormous that no mere off-the-rack brassiere could possibly hope to contain them. In fact, he could see that, underneath the powder blue tank top she wore, there were two further sets of bra straps over her shoulders. He stupidly wondered if he was staring, even while he was staring.
“Let’s try this again,” she said. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jason said, trying his best to regain some semblance of composure. “God, I’m so sorry. I hope I didn’t hurt you-”
She smiled, a warm and carefree smile. “I’m fine,” she said, and then glanced down at her chest. “Built in airbags.”
Jason was taken aback at first, but that smile, it was infectious. It melted something in Jason, and then he was smiling too, although on him it had the effect of making him grin like an idiot.
She furrowed her brow. “You’re acting a little concussed, though,” she said. She held her hand out to him, “Upsy-daisy.”
Jason took her hand, and he immediately fell in love with her hand. It was soft and warm, but strong. This felt like a hand that would be good at anything.
Jason stared at her hand for a little too long. Then he looked at her face. They were eye to eye, exactly the same height. Perfect for kissing, or even for just staring, like he was now. When she raised a querying eyebrow, he realized that he’d been staring at that gorgeous face for a little too long.
“Um,” he began. “Yeah. Um. Nothing broken. Head’s fine. No brain damage.”
She cocked her lips in a snarky little smirk. “Jury’s still out on that one,” she said. “We haven’t ruled out a pre-existing condition.”
“What? Hey look, I’m really sorry,” Jason said. “I was distracted. I had a lot on my mind, and-”
“I’m sure you did,” she said, still smirking. “So tell me… what’s on your mind right now?”
“Just you,” Jason said. “You’re topkapı escort all over my mind.”
She raised an eyebrow, and Jason suddenly realized that he’d said the things he’d been thinking out loud, and poorly at that. Maybe he did have a concussion.
“Okay, wait,” he said. “That was the cheesiest fucking line that’s ever been cheesed. I just wanna say that I’m not that guy. I’m the guy who’s sorry for bowling you over in the middle of the quad.”
There, that was better.
“Okay,” she said suspiciously. The eyebrow still hadn’t lowered, but now she put a fist on her hip while she studied him.
“And if I’m staring, and I know I am,” he said, “it’s because you are literally the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. And I didn’t see you until you were literally on top of me, and I swear to god I wish we’d met under different circumstances, because I would sooo much rather we had an actual introduction with names and stuff instead of this thing that I’m rapidly making super awkward. And even though I’m sure you get this all the time, I just have to say it: you are absolutely stunning and I can’t stop looking at you.” Jason paused to take a breath, before concluding, “That’s all.”
She studied him for few seconds, her lips now in a bemused grin. “That’s all?” she said.
“Yep,” he said, adding, “probably too much.”
“Hmmph,” she said.
She turned around, facing away from him. Her back was an inverted trapezoid that made him wish he’d studied more geometry, just to have the vocabulary to describe a shape so perfect, strong and womanly.
Without turning around, she said, “Can you brush me off back there?”
Jason wasted a whole instant thinking “Wow!” before he was touching her. He used one hand, and one hand only (he was trying to be a gentleman), to brush the blades of grass off of her perfect back and ridiculously delicious butt.
Though he dearly longed for more, he made quick work of it. Without taking any further liberties, he stepped back and declared, “All done.”
She turned back around and stared at him, her expression unreadable. He was ready to accept that he was, in fact, all done.
“Okay, now that that’s taken care of…” she said.
She extended her hand. “Hi,” she said, “I’m Ellie.”
“Hi,” Jason said, taking her hand. “I’m Jason.” Neither seemed eager to let go.
“And just so’s you know,” Ellie said, “I do get that all the time, and I never get tired of it.”
“Then, at the risk of sounding like a total cheeseball,” Jason said, “you wanna hang out later, so I can make you real tired?”
Ellie laughed, a kind of musical snort that he loved instantly. “Wow, that is cheeseball!” she said. “Gimme your phone.”
In a daze, Jason pulled out his phone, opened up his contacts, and handed it to Ellie.
Thumbing her number in, Ellie said, “You’re not getting any, you know. Don’t even entertain the idea, because it may never happen.”
“Hey, give me some credit,” Jason said. “Besides, if I ever need to ease the pressure I can always beat it out.” Oh god. “I mean with my hands.” Oh god oh god. “What I mean is, I’ve got a really firm grip.” Please, just stop talking!
He released an exasperated sigh. “I’m a drummer,” he ended lamely.
“Well you sure as shit ain’t Shakespeare,” Ellie said, and handed his phone back.
“You still wanna hang out?” Jason said.
“Yeah, I do,” Ellie said. “I’m dying to hear what else comes pouring out of that purty mouth. But I gotta go now.” She turned around and resumed jogging.
“Okay,” Jason said. “I’ll call you!” he called after her retreating form.
“I know!” she shouted back.
Jason watched her go, still holding his phone, until she rounded Patton Hall, heading off towards Guadalupe. Only then did he slip his phone back into his pocket, pick up his backpack, and shamble dazedly to class.
Jason ended up twenty minutes late. He skipped an entire page of his presentation. He invented hilarious new mispronunciations of “Paganini” every time it came up, which, being the topic, was quite a lot. And even though he ended up earning a D grade, and that mostly due to making the effort to show up, Jason concluded that today might have been the best day of his life so far.
“Social Work?” Jason said.
“You bet,” Ellie said. “I started off in Psych, but switched after junior year.”
She extracted a couple more fries from the gooey pile of food on her plate. When presented with the options at this coffee shop, Ellie chose the loaded french fries. Not the small one either, but the full pound, topped with chili, cheddar cheese, bacon and pico. And despite having doused it with a liberal amount of ketchup, she still dipped every bite into the bowl of country gravy she’d ordered on the side.
Jason watched her eat her way through this heart attack-inducing mountain of unhealthiness, a little grossed out but more than a lot fascinated. türbanlı escort Not only had he never seen a gal eat like this before, but she also displayed a refreshing lack of self-consciousness about it.
“So what got you into it?” Jason said. He took a pull from the large coffee he’d been nursing. His own poppyseed muffin was long gone, nothing but crumbs and a paper wrapper forgotten on a plate off to the side.
“Well, lemme ask you this,” Ellie said, “what made you decide to be a drummer?”
Jason shrugged. “I’ve always been playing, ever since I was little,” he said. “But you switched, and after you got to college. Did something happen to change your mind?”
Ellie chewed for a while before answering. “It’s like, ever since I was a kid, I thought how I could do something big, you know? Something good for the world. When I was little I wanted to be president. When I was in high school I thought being an inventor, or some kind of scientist maybe, could make a bigger impact. After I got to college, though, I realized that it’s not stuff, y’know ‘more better faster’, that we need, but a better understanding of how people work, and psych seemed to be the way to go.”
“More than machinery, we need humanity,” Jason said, “More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.”
Ellie raised both eyebrows in surprise. “Exactly,” she said. “I can’t believe you just quoted Chaplin at me.”
Jason smiled. “‘The Great Dictator’’s one of my favorite movies,” he said.
“I’m surprised,” Ellie said.
“Cause drummers are supposed to be dumber than a box of hammers?” Jason said.
“Why you gotta go insulting hammers?” Ellie said. Jason shot her a look. “I’m fucking with you. No, it’s just that was the movie that made me decide to go into social work.”
“Wow, really?” Jason said.
“Yup!” Ellie said excitedly. “We watched that part in one of my Lit classes and I was like ‘Yeah! This dude gets it!”
“But, being a social worker…” Jason said. “How’d you get from there to point B?”
“Think about it,” Ellie said. “Every problem that plagues the world, human rights violations, religious animosity, sexual inequality, wars for revenge and racial superiority, wealth inequality leading to crushing poverty, addiction, generational disenfranchisement … sure, we can throw money and new tech at it, but it won’t make a lick of difference until we learn to recognize the other as human beings. As another person deserving of our respect and love. I think that’s why all the great civil rights leaders are religious folks. Every religion has love at its heart. I don’t pray or anything, and maybe my soul’s not exactly in factory condition, but I figure the best way to show my love for the world, work for the best kind of future, is to get a little understanding of my own, and then share it when I can.”
Jason was stunned into silence at this outpouring.
“Sorry,” Ellie said. “I can kinda ramble-”
“No!” Jason said. “That was beautiful! Ellie, you are so much more than I expected.”
“And you were expecting…?” Ellie said.
Now it was Jason’s turn to snark. “That psych was too hard,” he said, “and social work seemed like an easy enough major. At least until you found a guy with good enough prospects to get hitched to.”
“And lucky me, it finally worked,” she said, tapping her fingers together like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. “All is going according to plan.”
“Yeah, you got my number,” Jason said. “Nah, I don’t believe that. It’s just that, even here, where we’re supposed to be broadening our minds and stuff, most of the folks are all kinda mercenary, y’know? They’re all thinking about making money and careers, instead of doing what they love. I love making music, and I’m not looking to compromise on that. I’d rather be living my life doing what I love, instead of just making money and hating myself.”
“Surefire way to being broke forever,” Ellie said.
“Maybe,” Jason said, “but I’m never gonna regret it.”
“Here’s to that,” Ellie said. She held up her water for a toast. “All love, no regrets.”
Jason clinked his coffee cup against hers. “All love,” he said, “and no regrets.”
Later that night, after a chaste hug that he’d nonetheless be reliving for days afterward, Ellie had driven away in her little Taurus. Jason was walking home when he got a text from her.
Ellie: I’d really regret it if we didn’t hang out again tomorrow.
Jason smiled. He had a new contender for best day ever.
They kept hanging out together, and the days just kept getting better. Jason kept expecting to find something about her that was wrong, or off, or some other red flag, but it never happened.
Hanging out became going out, and still she kept being perfect. Not “perfect” perfect; she was still a human being. She said embarrassing things, grumbled at stuff that didn’t bother Jason at all. She ate a lot of bad food, tüyap escort got an upset stomach and farted a lot, and then would go to the gym or out running to work it off, which was a maddening cycle. She read her horoscope every day and insisted on reading Jason his, even though he made it clear he thought it was bunk. She was into ska, and not even the good stuff from the 70’s and 80’s, but crap like Mighty Mighty Bosstones and Reel Big Fish. Jason couldn’t stop his eyes from rolling every time she subjected him to it when they rode in her car. But…
Jason introduced her to some bands that he liked, and he was pleased when she came around to Big Black and The Specials. And he grew to enjoy riffing on the horoscopes, eventually reading them to her himself. And he knew he could always make her day by making her the unhealthy foods that she liked. And he came to terms with the unavoidable truth that farts are, in fact, funny.
After about a month, the post-date hugs became post-date kisses, and then post-date makeout sessions. While Jason didn’t really have any hangups about casual sex, he decided to take his cues from Ellie. And although he could tell she wanted it as much as he did, she was clearly sticking to her guns on that. Which was, oddly, fine for Jason. As Ellie grew more important to him, he understood that her needs, and her comfort, were just as important as his own.
And so it came to pass that, at around 11 PM on Halloween, Billie Joe Armstrong could be seen passionately grinding a warty, deformed, middle-aged shut-in, outside of the apartment where she presumably kept her army of cats.
Ellie’s bestie, Lillian, had hosted a Halloween party. Jason didn’t usually do the costume thing, but Ellie was super into it, so he thought he’d at least give it a try.
Jason had dressed up as Billy Idol. Generation X-era Billy Idol, which meant black jeans, white undershirt, fake nose ring, and a studded leather jacket that, even as a lucky find at the Goodwill, had cost way too much for a jokey costume. Unfortunately, since he refused to dye his hair blonde, everyone thought that he was Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day. Infuriating, but after a while he just rolled with it.
Ellie dressed as a witch. Not your basic sexy witch, or an elegant, domineering Maleficent type. Ellie went full-on crone. Layered, shabby gray robes. Lots of cheap bangles and baubles around her wrists, and a bone necklace around her neck. She’d been clicking and clanking all night. She’d colored her pale blonde hair a dingy gray, and done some sort of magic to make it into a frizzy, unkempt mess. Warts glued to her hands and face accentuated the look, especially the big brown one with the hair sticking out of it, right on the side of her nose.
The capper, though, was the hump on her back. She’d strapped a roll of strategically folded fabric to her back, and, hidden under her robes while she lumbered around, it was very convincing. Jason had to concede that, if he didn’t know her, he would have thought that she was some fifty-ish woman who’d crashed a college party in the laziest costume ever.
Ellie was the most repulsive woman he’d ever seen, and Jason couldn’t get enough of her.
Squeezing her ass through the layers of coarse fabric that made up her robe, Jason kissed up and down her neck. Ellie moaned softly, and molded herself into him. Her breasts, though largely hidden from sight within the folds of her costume, pressed into him, warm and expansively full, making him crazy with lust. Jason knew Ellie could feel that lust, because his cock was rock-hard, and she pulled him into her, swaying her body to feel his erection against her thighs, and the inviting crevice between.
“More,” Ellie sighed, “more…more…”
“Hey, that’s my line,” Jason said, with a nibble on her earlobe.
“Nuh-uh,” Ellie teased, “Yours is ‘bite my lip and close my eyes’.”
“Don’t mind if I do,” Jason said. His lips on hers, he gave Ellie’s lower lip a nip, and then kissed her, while she closed her eyes and squirmed against him.
“You better be nice,” Ellie said, “or I’ll put a spell on you.”
“You already turned me stone,” Jason said. “Wanna guess which part?”
“I’ve got a hunch,” Ellie said, adding a theatrical wink. She’d gotten a lot of mileage out of that pun this evening.
“So,” Jason said, “are you a good witch or a bad witch?”
“It’s a mystery, little punker boy,” Ellie said. “Why don’t you come inside my gingerbread house, and take a peek in my oven.”
“Oh, I’m not falling for that old trick-” Jason began.
“I don’t think you get it,” Ellie said, fixing him with a sultry gaze.
“I want you,” she said, “to come inside,” she kissed him on the jawline, “my warm, cozy, little gingerbread house.”
Understanding hit him then. This was it.
Feeling his hesitation, Ellie said, “What’s wrong?”
Not believing himself even as he spoke, Jason said, “Can I, uh, take a rain check?”
“Are you sure?” Ellie said. “The oven’s ready. Nice and hot.”
“I know,” Jason said. His cock could feel the warmth between her legs. “God, I know. It’s just… it’s hard to explain…”
“Try me,” Ellie said, her voice masking a tiny amount of apprehension.